Yep, I know, sometimes its hard to express ur feelings. Aku seolah-olah kekurangan idea untuk menulis atau meluahkan kata-kata.. Semacam tak kena.. Its hard.. to express what ur truly feels.. So i found this story.. When i read this, i smile.. yet i try to hold my tears. Its been a long time, i found myself again..yep.. I already found myself again.. Thankful to God that make this complicated situation as a medium to make me realize the beautiful of life.
The story of me, but written by someone else. I really hope this is not the end of my story. Really hope..
Talking to her became part of my Daily Routine. Every morning, her voice was the first thing I heard. She would call the moment she woke up, and no matter how exhausted I was, how early it was, it didn’t stop me from smiling and saying good morning.Then at Nine o’clock EXACTLY, she would call and we would talk until she fell asleep. And I would stay on and listen to her, she talks in her sleep sometimes. How much I wished I could be there and kiss her. She would never know.
She is the most beautiful thing my eyes ever set on. She never wore make up, and that’s how I liked it. She always smiled, at the tiniest things. Anything really, and her laugh? Oh man her laugh. She hated it, but she could never stop. And no matter how crappy my day was, when I heard her laugh, my heart would soar.
Then there were the days, when I thought she would stop smiling. When I thought she would never stop crying. Man.. Have you ever felt so helpless in your entire life? And it hurts, that we live far away, and I can’t be there to hold her. And you know what killed me?
The reason why she cried.?
Because of some stupid guy that broke her heart. And I KNOW I could keep her smiling. I would never hurt her. Because I love her. Not that bull shitted love her boyfriend fed her. The kind of love that did not need any reminder. It would be a subconscious thing to know that I, with all my heart, Loved her.
And then the next days she would be okay. Like nothing happened. I’ve always admired how strong she was. No matter how much she was dying inside, she never changed. It just became a bit harder for her to smile..but she got through it.
I thought we were falling mutually in love, but my better mind knew it wasn’t true. It was just a fact, that all I was to her was her bestfriend. Nothing more. But there were those days That I would believe otherwise. and It gave me hope, but being realistic, she did not love back. I know she had mixed feelings, and I know it be easier to drop these feelings. But I had to keep trying.
And then one day, We had a big fight. I don’t understand what was happening, but we were both angry and yelling. I said things I regret in the past and present.. But this fight, was my biggest regret. She was crying now, and said the words that broke my heart,
"I am not your girlfriend. And I am sure I will never be! But I am your bestfriend, and thats what I’ll always be. "
Damn. It hurt so much. She hung up and said we needed space until I realized we are only friends. Until I let go.. but I love her so much.. It’s been about two months now, and we haven’t said a word to each other. I miss her so much. And I can’t decide what hurts more: Loving her and watching her get hurt, or Loving her and not knowing how she is in the end.
Dear bestfriend: I love you, and I wish I could love you back the right way.but honestly, we will can never anything more than friends